Still pregnant

I’m 9 weeks now, feeling absolutely awful, and heard the heartbeat with my doppler last night. I guess things are going well?

I probably shouldn’t tempt fate by saying this but I also haven’t had any bleeding or spotting this pregnancy, which is a first. I had a lot of spotting and some bleeding with my daughter, and obviously the miscarriages.

I met with my new midwife last week. Based on my history of miscarriages and then complications with my daughter (placenta deteriorating early, low amniotic fluid) I will be having a few extra scans this time around. I have my next scan at 10 weeks.

I feel so bleeuurrgh that I don’t really have much to say. Grateful I’m still here, hoping things keep progressing, wishing the nausea and vomiting could be behind me.



Pregnancy number 4

Hello- long time no see! Although I have been checking in around once a month to read blog posts.

I’m pregnant again. Not 100% sure when I ovulated, for the first time ever which bugs my OCD side. But I think I’m maybe just passed 4 weeks.

How do I feel? I’m anxious, but not as anxious as my last pregnancy. I have a hint of “what will be, will be”. I have my daughter now, and feel incredibly lucky to have her. So if this doesn’t work out I can remember how fortunate I am to have one. Mostly I just feel a bit blank about it. Is it real? The multitude of pregnancy tests I’ve taken would suggest so. But I have zero symptoms, not even sore boobs. I am still breastfeeding though, which could possibly be why according to Dr Google.

I have a scan in just under two weeks, so will update after that, unless I have bad news to share first.

We’re still here!

Just a little update. Our little one is 10 months old now and such a dream come true for us.

She’s 10 months old and loves books, being outside, and a good joke.

She can say mama, dad, bubba, lips, miaow, duck and yuckyuckyuck. She’s been crawling for a few months, and is now cruising around furniture and standing unassisted. Overall she is a happy, active, chatty little girl.

She sleeps in bed with me and still wakes around hourly to feed. It is what it is… I know one day I will miss these cuddles, and eventually they all sleep through on their own.

I’m still home full time with her, but will probably be returning to work part time around January- I’m actually meeting with my manager in a few days to discuss what that may look like. I’m conflicted about going back as I just love being home with her.

She’s having difficulties with food intolerances which has us both on a restricted diet (breastfeeding), and we’re off to see a specialist in November who will hopefully have some more answers for us.

I’ve attached a photo (although it’s not super recent).

Sending best wishes to all of you, wherever you are on this journey.



Not a mummy blogger

I don’t think I’ll be writing much for the next wee while. I didn’t plan on continuing to blog, really for me this writing was just a way to spew out all the stress around trying to conceive and miscarrying, trying to conceive and miscarrying, trying to conceive and then experiencing a pregnancy after losses.

Plus, I don’t know where I’d find the time. Or energy. My little girl seems to absorb any time and energy that I have now. I’m exhausted, and sore, but am aware of what a privilege it is to have this newest member of our family.

So I’ll take on a more passive role for now, because I still want to follow along and see how you are all getting on with trying to conceive, and raising much loved and wanted little ones. If anyone wants to connect off here- I know there are a few of us with babies a similar age- I’d love to connect on facebook or something?

So me and my little one are two weeks in to this new life of ours now. Just the last couple of days I’ve started to feel human again. I’ve had trouble with my episiotomy healing, and am on antibiotics. Hoping in a few more days I’ll be able to get out for some walks- we’ve barely left the house. I also found breastfeeding incredibly difficult and painful to establish, but we seem to have turned a corner there.

My little one is putting on weight, and sleeping well during the day. Night time is a completely different story. She’ll often cluster feed all night, with one two-hour stretch of sleep in there somewhere. We’re finding our groove though, and we’ll get there.

We think she is absolutely perfect, and are completely in love.

She is here

It wasn’t what would be considered the ideal birth story, and yet for us it was perfect. Because she is here.

I didn’t end up being induced on the 25th, there was no room at maternity and I felt like things were maybe starting to happen. We went out to a pre-wedding celebration with friends that night, and then home.

By around 6am on the 26th I was having contractions regularly, and by around 9.30am they were about 7 minutes apart. They continued like this all day, having periods when they were closer together and then further apart. We made the call at lunchtime that we wouldn’t attend the wedding of our close friends, although I was still hoping it wasn’t all a false alarm. But when the wedding would have been starting at 3pm, I was throwing up after a particularly strong contraction.

We decided to head to hospital that evening, arriving at around 9.15. We were put on the monitor for half an hour, and my midwife wasn’t happy with how baby was doing. She checked me, and I was only 3cm dilated. At this point the midwife said to me that what she was seeing on the monitor showed that this was not a happy baby, and the obstetrician was called in. My waters were broken so the skull clip monitor could be attached to our girl.This confirmed she was not coping. I also had a temperature, and was given antibiotics.

It was recommended by midwife and obstetrician that we get baby out now via emergency c section, and we agreed completely. Things happened very quickly, although I felt hardly aware of them due to the intense physical sensations I was experiencing with each contraction. Once I knew this wasn’t going to happen naturally, I wished I could just have the spinal immediately, but the¬†anesthesiologist was the last to arrive. While everyone was calm to my face, my husband said there were a lot of panicked looks between hospital team, and conversations out of the room after looking at the monitor. My husband heard someone say something to the effect of, if the anesthesiologist isn’t here soon it’s going to be too late.

So I flew through the hospital on the trolley, giving my consent for whatever, I really didn’t care. And then we were in theatre. Spinal administered- relief. And they were all set to cut me open to get baby out. Midwife went to remove skull clip “…She’s fully dilated”. Obstetrician had a look to confirm and then it was a split second change of plans. We had an immediate episiotomy and forceps delivery- very quick- on theatre table surrounded by whole team.

Our little girl was born healthy, although battered and bruised from her delivery into the world. My placenta looked to be deteriorating though so whether this is why things weren’t working for us, I don’t know. Our girl was 3.08 kgs (6 pounds, 12 ounces) and born at 11.56pm on the 26th of November. Five days early; right on time.

The important thing is she’s here, I’m here, and after really feeling like I’d never be a mother, I know how lucky we are.

Induction tomorrow?

I’m scheduled to be induced tomorrow.

My amniotic fluid levels have been coming back as low, and I saw an obstetrician today who recommended an induction tomorrow. It’s dependent on whether there is a bed available though, as our maternity unit is really full at the moment. I go in at 8am tomorrow, and they’ll let me know whether they can fit me in. If they can’t, they’ll monitor the baby to make sure she’s looking okay in there.

I was on the monitor today and baby seemed to be doing fine.

I just… really want the baby to be okay. I’ve had so much anxiety this pregnancy. Sparked by the previous miscarriages, and then built upon by the complications I’ve had this pregnancy: bleeding and cramping up to 20 weeks, me measuring small, baby’s femurs measuring small,¬† glucose in urine, low amniotic fluid.

I know from researching low fluid that there is actually no evidence to back induction before 40 weeks for this reason alone, because it is generally not a concern unless levels are super low and inducing labour can cause it’s own complications. But I’m just going to go with the flow. I’m 39 weeks today, and I’m ready for this baby to be earthside.

Until she’s here, I don’t think I can make myself believe I’m really having a baby.

Earthquakes and appointments

We were woken up just after midnight last night to a huge earthquake. Managed to stumble our way outside- we can get out directly from our bedroom luckily. I prefer going outside because I didn’t really trust the house, and plus we can get the dogs out that way. I felt scared for my baby, and keeping my body safe had a new importance now that she was in it.

So we stood out on the deck of our little country rental, under the supermoon, swaying together, us and the dogs. Listening to the rumble and the creak of the house, the slosh of the water tanks, and far off animals reacting. Hoping, like we always do, that we were right at the epicentre of the quake, because it’s horrible to think it could be worse elsewhere.

Luckily our loved ones are safe. My mother and both sisters live near the coast, and had to evacuate for the night due to tsunamis, but are all okay.

So today, I’m tired. The aftershocks were pretty much constant last night, and my hip pain was worse than usual and I couldn’t really turn over at all without a painful pop that sounded like my hip was coming out of its socket.¬† Luckily I’m on maternity leave, so don’t have to be too high functioning today.

Today I had an appointment with an obstetrician. My midwife referred me after my growth scan at 35 weeks revealed my amniotic fluid was low. Luckily a follow up scan a week later revealed that the fluid was now within normal limits, so it was a fairly quick appointment. The obstetrician just recommended another scan at 39 weeks to confirm we were still on track.

My midwife has also begun weekly monitoring of baby’s heartrate and movements to check all is going okay. I had my first one last week. On one hand I’m glad to be getting all of these extra scans and monitoring, as most pregnancies in New Zealand do not, but then I start thinking that it means my midwife thinks my body is going to f*ck this up too. There’s no winning. I am glad she’s keeping a close eye on me. I’m just really at the stage where I wish this baby would come. I am glad she was still inside me for the quake though. Usually I feel she’d be safer out here in the world, but I think powerful earthquakes might be the exception!